I go from sleeping to panic attack in minutes. After waking up from an afternoon nap, I blink a few times until I get my bearings, and finally remember where I am:
*Oh that’s right, I ruined my life!* (And a bunch of other people’s…)
After quickly rehashing my spectacular fall from grace, there’s a feeling of unreality, like it happened to someone else. The enormity sets in. I get a glimpse of the pain I’ve caused, putting myself in their shoes, but for just a moment, because it hurts too much. The facts are immutable: I AM IN PRISON.
Somehow I still get surprised by that.
And one of the things prison teaches you–brutally– is that you have far fewer friends than you imagined.
For years all I wanted to do was go back in time and redo nearly every major decision I had made since I was 15. But this isn’t the movies or a comic book and I’m definitely no super hero.
I’m stuck with those choices, and reaping the consequences.
There’s a 90% chance of lifetime loserdom for people in my position, a statistic I hope to elude. My degree’s been rendered useless. My best shot is to learn a trade and carve out a living as an electrician or plumber.
But that’s getting ahead of myself.
I remind myself that life is nothing but thousands of today’s strung together, and Now is the only filter I’ll see it through.
So, I maximize today, and stop bemoaning my fate. Instead, I learn something new and do something useful.
Here’s how I’ve put those words into practice lately: I’ve taught myself some basic sewing skills (you wear clothes until they’re literally in tatters and then some), stitching up holes in pants and shirts. Soon, I’ll be good enough to make pockets and tailor pants.
I just got a book teaching the most basic 100 Chinese characters–how to write them, their meaning, and their pronunciation. There’s also a list of helpful phrases using these words.
So, worst case scenario, when China dominates the world in a few years, I’ll have what it takes to run a Nike sweatshop.
Easy Trouble 