“I’m gettin’ outta here,” my bunkie tells me. “And it’s all legal.”
“Phew. I thought you were gonna go all Shawshank.”
He laughs. “Naw, it ain’t nothing like that. It’s full-proof. They gotta lemme out.”
I think he meant but foolproof, but don’t get caught up in the malapropism. I’m curious now.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I ask, even-keeled and skeptical.
“Yeah, you can even do it. I’ll tell you how. But don’t go around telling these other mugs.”
He’s smiling like he just discovered the secret of the universe. I nod for him to continue.
“It’s a commutation,” he said with relish.
I stood there in disbelief. “A commutation? Isn’t that like a pardon?”
“Basically.”
“Dude, the chances of that are almost zero. That’s not foolproof.”
“Well it can’t hurt to try.”
“I guess not.”
Commutations aren’t exactly secret. I’ve known dozens who have applied for one. Zero who have been successful.
How has this dumbass just found out about commutations? He’s been down for 20+ years, and prides himself on being smarter than everyone else. He’s one of those guys who’ll argue over the minutest thing, and write grievances on every aspect of prison(eg the food wasn’t up to snuff). The thought that he could be wrong never occurs to him.
He belongs to an insufferable breed of inmate who thinks of himself as a quasi-scholar. Vicious and destructive in the world, prison is the first place they sit their ass down and read a book. Because they’re surrounded by functioning retards who can barely read and write, they assume they must have a high IQ.
Earning a “General Arts” associate at the community college is a plaudit, proof you didn’t waste your time. It’s not proof you’re “highly educated,” as someone once claimed to me.
The autodidactic lawyers are worse. Sure, there are some who know their shit, and can get you action on appeal. But the majority are idiots.
It sounds counterintuitive, but without the internet, the dumbest conspiracy theories thrive.
Chief among these is the “Sovereign Citizen” theory of criminal defense. You’ve probably seen it before on Court Cam.
Here’s the gist of it: when the judge asks you your name, you respond “I’m a Sovereign Citizen.” Theoretically, the Constitution forbids the judge from sentencing you if you declare yourself as such. There’s something about how the government does not have power over you if you don’t give them your legal name.
Yes, it really is that retarded. Sorry, we both lost 10 IQ points after that explanation.
In county jail, I saw a couple guys leave for court, determined to try this harebrained scheme. They all returned looking pale and defeated. The judges uniformly gave them harsh sentences.
Another conspiracy theory contends that someone in the NYSE owns our SSNs, and makes money off them like a stock. I couldn’t ask for more details without hating myself.
Easy Trouble 