“J.A.I.L” (Just another inmate lying)

They say in prison you can be whoever you want to be. I’ve met more self-proclaimed millionaires than I care to count.

When they recall their crimes, inmates pose as kingpins or drug lords. No one admits they were actually doing the drugs.

I’ve met the best meth cooks in the state. Or so they say. Anyone incarcerated on a meth-related charge claims to manufacture the most potent shake-and-bake. They imagine themselves Walter White, but they’re really a jackass with a pop bottle and a couple lithium batteries.

There’s a huge gap between who an inmate claims to be in the streets and who he really is, and there’s no internet to decipher the discrepancy. Guys gas themselves up into something big without accountability.

But some people are for real. Not every inmate is a degenerate liar. Some had well-paying careers, ran successful businesses, and went to good schools. They’re quieter about their real-world success. Conversely, frauds tell everyone they can about their alleged achievements.

The other day, Drew, whose I usually consider truthful, made some brazen claims that made me doubt everything else he’s told me, like the businesses he had founded in the world. I want to believe him on the serious stuff. But here are some of the humdingers from group:

1. he has 170+ IQ
2. his dad not only worked at Area 51, but was the mind behind top secret propulsion devices
3. he’s also closely related to some Easter European monarchy, so much so that they would recognize his claim
4. he worked with the cartel, and revolutionized the way they smuggle drugs into the states

We’re friends, but there’s no way I can blindly believe everything he avers. Surely he realizes these kind of claims demand proof. 

What makes me mad, though, is that he even said these things. If they were true, what does he gain by telling everybody? The respect of criminals? 

In fact, it had the opposite effect by creating the perception he’s a bullshitter, especially because they occurred during a 15 minute soliloquy. The other guy in group caught my eye and laughed while Drew was rambling on about his aristocratic heritage. 

But in the midst of his self-aggrandizing stories, I had an epiphany. Earlier, he had showed me an essay he wrote and was going to submit to the ACLU that detailed the horrific conditions and abuse he suffered in a juvenile facility. Sometimes, when people are sexually abused as minors and aren’t close to their parents, they confabulate an origin story. The origin story reaffirms brilliant superiority as his nature.

Over the years I’ve noticed that inmates whose self-conception includes a high IQ but don’t have a degree feel a need to assert their intelligence. They frequently belittle those who attended college.

In prison, the value of a degree is that I don’t have to tell stories about how smart I am. It’s just understood.